Author: Darlene Lancer
Publishing Date: 2014
Shame: the torment you feel when you’re exposed, humiliated, or rejected; the feeling of not being good enough. It’s a deeply painful and universal emotion, yet is not frequently discussed. For some, shame lurks in the unconscious, undermining self-esteem, destroying confidence, and leading to codependency. These codependent relationships—where we overlook our own needs and desires as we try to care for, protect, or please another—often cover up abuse, addiction, or other harmful behaviors. Shame and codependency feed off one another, making us feel stuck, never able to let go, move on, and become the true self we were meant to be.
In Conquering Shame and Codependency, Darlene Lancer sheds new light on shame: how codependents’ feelings and beliefs about shame affect their identity, their behavior, and how shame can corrode relationships, destroying trust and love. She then provides eight steps to heal from shame, learn to love yourself, and develop healthy relationships.
Other Works by the author:
She has written Codependency for Dummies as well as 10 Steps to Self-Esteem.
Background of author:
About Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT, is a licensed family therapies with over twenty years of experience working with individuals and couples. She regularly lectures on self-esteem, codependency, and addiction. Author ofCodependency for Dummies and 10 Steps to Self-Esteem, she has also published numerous articles.
Theme of book:
"Shame destroys our dreams and stifles our talents, and as much as we want to love and be loved, it sabotages our relationships." (xii-xiii)
"Shame isn't discussed much publicly, and it's the elephant in therapy rooms that is rarely addressed." (xiv)
Summary of Content:
Shame isn't just an emotion that one experiences when something goes wrong; shame manifests and shapes people for worse rather than better, and its important to recognize and talk about shame instead of trying to hide it.
"Healing from shame and codependency is possible, and it is one of the most liberating things you will ever do. My sincere hope is that this book will illuminate and further your journey toward recovering and honoring the unique qualities of your true self." (xv)
*The Shame Experience
*Shame and Identity
*Emptiness: There's a hole in my bucket
*Shame and symptoms of codependency
*Love's silent killer
*8 Steps to free your true self
Why its interesting and informative:
I think everyone knows about shame, but I doubt many people know how pervasive the emotion is and how negatively it can impact us even years and years later. The psychological cost of shame is astounding, especially how it creeps towards all aspects of life and infects them. Nothing is safe from shame, or so it seems.
Book successfully supports thesis:
The book did talk about surprising aspects of shame that I hadn't even thought possible and that affect me to this day. I am able to relate to a lot of what the author does talk about. One thing is that despite being a book reviewer and probably reading far more books than an average American, I think part of me still feels unsatisfied and kind of dumb from childhood days when I struggled with learning English as well as feeling pressured to learn it because I am smart.
"Denial is the biggest obstacle to healing, and the denial around shame is immense, undoubtedly because shame is our most painful emotion. Some people who have belonged to a Twelve Step program for decades are unaware of how deeply shame controls them." (xiv)
Ideas in book vs larger ideas:
I can imagine that if shame gets more talk or mention among people, then more people will be able to find healing and comfort and perhaps the world would be run differently instead of the way it is now.
Although I do feel that some things are a bit simplistic in my view, but I think I agree with a lot of what the author wrote, although I did find a slight contradiction in when she talks about sexual shame; one in which she talks about being open about body's desires and then few pages later she mentions that if a parent talks about sexual experiences its considered a type of abuse, perhaps a slight clarification is needed?
The author used sources online and in books as well as ones she herself has written previously. I would imagine that they are credible and important.
The book is definitely a worthy read as well as eye-opening in how shame toys and plays with us. Also, its a short book if one is looking for something short and timely. At the moment I'm writing a story about a character that literally is dealing with a great amount of shame, thus I might use this book as sort of a guideline for how to help him get through and help love himself. At least the book will give me some ideas on how to do it.
This is for TLC Book Tour
TLC Book Tours TOUR STOPS for Conquering Shame and Codependency:
Monday, July 7th: Luxury Reading
Wednesday, July 9th: Svetlana’s Reads and Views
Thursday, July 10th: Laura’s Booklist
Monday, July 14th: Literally Jen
Tuesday, July 15th: Good Girl Gone Redneck
Thursday, July 17th: Patricia’s Wisdom
Monday, July 21st: My Bookshelf
Wednesday, July 23rd: Bookish Ardour
Thursday, July 24th: Robyn Baldwin
Monday, July 28th: Bibliophiliac5 out of 5
(0: Stay away unless a masochist 1: Good for insomnia 2: Horrible but readable; 3: Readable and quickly forgettable, 4: Good, enjoyable 5: Buy it, keep it and never let it go.)